The reason I chose the name cinnamonlionheart.com for my site is because of something my mother told me during her last few months before she died of cancer. My mother and I were close and loved each other fiercely but we also had a lot of difficulties to face in our relationship. I honestly have never loved or hated anyone more than my mother. During the months before her death we spent a lot of time together as my mother had no spouse and I, her only child, became her primary care giver.
One day during one of our regular philosophical and increasingly emotionally honest conversations my mother put forward a question, not so much to me but out into the room for fear of it’s potency. “I wonder sometimes…”, she said, “if the harm I have caused you is greater than the good I have done…”. Her words hung heavy in the air and I could feel her heartache within my own heart. Tears welled up in her eyes as they looked deeply into mine searching for her answer; then suddenly looking away with fear for what they might find there.
My answer came with surprising swiftness and surety as I explained to my mother that every time she made a better choice for herself, my life got a little better too. She gave me all that she could at any given time and that capacity grew over time as she began to heal from the wreckage of her past. I told her how grateful I was for her perseverance. “You may have dragged me through hell and back”, I said, ” but you also showed me the way out of it and that is what matters!” My mother then looked right at me with a huge smile and said, “You have the heart of a lion Cinnamon…and you are going to so far… much farther than me.”
For me, having “the heart of a lion” means being brave in the face of fear and being willing to show up and do what ever it takes to find the truth about ourselves, speak that truth and trust in the greater good or higher consciousness that holds us all no matter what the outcome. Thirteen years have passed since my mother died and I have to say that she was right. I do have the heart of lion and it has served me well in my recovery from PTSD. It takes tremendous courage to face one’s pain and allow yourself the experience of trust that results from deep connection with others. Being alone with our pain is what keeps it locked inside us, holding us back. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and in safe connection with others is what creates the opening for the pain to be released. A part of me has always held out, waiting for that feeling of safe, deep love connection; hoping it was possible for me even though I rarely experienced it. Yes I would have moments but they were just that, moments. Fleeting and rare. On this website I will post about my healing journey within the practice of Rosen Method Bodywork, as a recipient of the work, a student of the work, a practitioner of the work and a teacher in training, and how it has changed my life completely.